Arturo Toscanini

Assassins!

-Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra

Jack Handey

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

-Jack Handey

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

-Ellen DeGeneres